I am a potato.

The internet is a magical place. Full of information. And suggestions. Suggestions like, ‘hey, you should eat nothing but potatoes for a few days.”

Yes, the ‘potato hack’ is a practiced ritual, that some used for weight loss, to reset the palate, and change the gut. Magic, they say! I say, why not show some practiced extremism and give it a test.

Day 0: I go to cash and carry, and for $4.66 I get 15 pounds of yukon gold potatoes. Its ON. I cook 5 pounds in the instant pot, and set them in a steel bowl for the next day.

Day 1: I wake up feeling light and energized. Excited! I do some morning movement, stick my feet in the grass, and work for 2 hours before my hands start to get cold. Food time! I take 5 potatoes out of the bowl, and much on them like hard boiled eggs. They are sweet and flavorful. My hands get really cold afterward, my fingers look like colby jack. My stomach is…awake. My limbs are cold but I have energy. I zip around doing errands before coming home 4 hours later for…..more potatoes. They leave me in limbo, unsure if im hungry or not. I try them microwaved. I think I like them cold. By the time dinnertime rolls around, I want not potatoes. I eat them until they are disgusting. Cold, but focused with energy, I head to dance the night away.

Day 2:

I didnt set an alarm, and could sleep forever. But after a night of dance, thats normal. My body is tired but theres a sleeping joy within. I drink water and the shell begans to crack and fall away. I put up my rings and do some easy exercises, pushups, rows, chinups, and kettlebell. I feel sturdy. My inner thighs are feeling firmer. My stomach is hungry but food is not wanted. Feels like fasting energy. 9:30 5 cold potatoes. Soft. bland. Acceptable. 1 more.

Quiet fart. Smells …..awful.

I take myself down into ballard to meet a friend and do hippie stuff, like buying tinctures and powders. I feel connected and sacred. Ketosis? Love? I am not hungry. I drink french press coffee and talk excitly, before getting down to work. I have a lunchbag full of potatoes in the trunk of my car. I am bouncing my knees, standing and working, full of boundless energy and love. Coffee is a sometimes drink. Hang out until 2:30, then take a walk. Visit a curiosity shop. Buy some crystals and some backstreet boys cards. Drive north aimlessly, until i find a park. I was hungry a bit but its gone now. Parkour and handstands in the sun, while a man makes large bubbles. I sprint back to my car, following a bubble that has made it across the street. I eat 4 cold potatoes from my lunchbag. Everything is wonderful. I come home, eating 3 more warm from the instant pot, then another cold to balance it out. The newly warmed potatoes and incredible. I am sated. Rainbows on my wall in the afternoon sun. I walk with my wife to an empty school park.  My nose is a bit congested. Do I have the sickness or are these plant toxins? The world is bathed in love and light. And gassy. Hooooo wee. I eat a few potatoes to take me thorugh the night before group. Not hungry, but why not? I feel almost spiritual as I listen to jesus music and drive down to my mens circle. Maybe I’m my own guru. Starch lord.

How about I worship me.