Choosing empowered disorder

Happy new year!

After two months of hard work, I’m free of the Emily Program. I’m returning back to my own food choices with empowered awareness, with the sharpened blade of intuitive eating in my tool belt. I’ve come to realize that being an intuitive eater is not necessarily the be-all and end all of food mastery. Its a freeing tool, and one that I can now lean on more often to cope. But frankly, I’m ready to do some disordered things again, like exercise with intent to change my body, fast, and eat lots of meat. Its all about intentions.

My relationship with food is disordered. While I never fully committed to owning a specific eating disorder, I now walk my path alongside previously shadowed habits. There was alot of learning over the holidays. I took a movement break, breaking the holiday cycle of compulsive exercise brought on by food guilt. I ate whatever, whenever. I was a data sleuth. I took a hammer to my bathroom scale. I ate christmas cookies: and did not stop. I found a new level of stomach capacity, without discomfort, and no ‘off switch’ for satiation with sweets. I wallowed in my despair. I asked, ‘What is recovery? Am I supposed to be able to eat one cookie and be happy? Or accept that a few times a year, I’ll eat like an animal?’ I did what was so hard for me: and actually ventured outside my head to ask my supports. An answer came back, “I don’t know, but I’m sure it looks like accepting yourself no matter what choice you make.” It took me out of my head and into a place of peace faster than ever before.

Unable to relax and afraid to connect, I found myself upstairs in my family home. I spotted a DVD of home movies. I settled in and began to watch. I saw myself at 16, moody and quiet, avoiding the chaos of my siblings and closed off from the world. I went back further still. 1 year old tyler. Perfect and pure, no wounds, no societal expectations. Just my golden, wonderful self. I watched in a mixture of awe and sadness, feeling such connection to my little self. I felt such an appreciation for my parents, for the incredible work put in just so that I could be here today. And for documenting! I resolved to go home with all of the home movies.

I hate the term binge watch, even more after hanging out at an eating disordered eating treatment center for 2 months…..but thats exactly what I did. I plopped myself down and watched my life story unfold all over again. I watched my beautiful boy blossom into a beautiful child…..before my siblings showed up and I wasn’t special any more. It was hard to watch. As time progressed, I became more and more withdrawn. Abrupt, passive. Hurt. And growing. Food was my closest comfort. I was coping how I learned how.

I literally saw my genetic destiny. The long causal link between my food struggles and my upbringing. The familial passing of the torch. I realized that my ‘work’ runs deeper than eating mindfully with some women a few times a week. I made the decision and checked myself of the outpatient program, amidst joy and sorrow.

I eat a lot of meat these days. It keeps me looking frankly, sexy, and feeling great. But I have a new level of awareness when it comes to coping. Reaching for sweet taste, and never being fulfilled….time to examine some emotions! There is a level of balance that was previously unknown. An impromptu PB&J for dinner. Eating because its been hours and who am I trying to impress?

The gift keeps on giving, and I keep on learning.