Making peace with food

What a summer its been.

I embraced the mobility project, got really good at fasting, and lived an open life of connection and sharing. Now that fall is here I want to keep the movement and community, and leave behind the fear of missing out, and urges to fit in. I want to belong, as I am.

So it came to pass I recently celebrated my mankind project NWTA anniversary. One year after the initiation…..I was back again, and staffing! I made my return to Washougal, as a man of service: Kitchen service. I came in with good intentions, and even brought my own carnivore cuisine. I had prepared resources, practices, and ambitions. But even the best laid plans pale in the face of poor boundary setting and getting triggered.

I was in my power for a good day and a half before that is exactly what happened. The result? Uncontrollable mouth-pleasure fueled eating. Feeling bad in my body. Shame. Isolation.

Fortunately, I was in a place where all of me was literally welcomed, and with my resources I knew that even at my lowest shame I was worthy of taking care of. So I picked myself back up was reminded why I do the men’s work that I do. The weekend was long and full of this, and while the shame eventually waned as I gave up control, the helpless feeling of repeating the cycle remained.

So I came back to my real life, put my carnivore bandaid back on, and wondered if I was ever going to be able to trust myself around carbs and sugar. I visited overeaters anonymous. It was refreshing to be around people who understand my problems, but the prevailing message of being broken was a story I was done telling myself. I reached out for help, and found the Emily Program. They called me, the next day I was checking it out, and by the next monday, I was in.

I’m now three days into an intensive outpatient program. 4 nights a week, evenings. Therapy meal, group therapy, dietitian, the works. I’m less terrified than when I started but this is still a huge deal for me. It feels like school, only with more purpose and less stakes in that its all about self improvement, and not….the only thing in my life. I’m ready to shift from victim to creator, and start taking those baby steps….even if they are stumbles. I never know which one might end up being a quantum leap.