2021

Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love, belonging and joy - the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
- Brene Brown

What else can follow 2020, the year to end all years? Why, it's 2021, and the world keeps moving on. From my high tower of control I had all but given up on so many dreams, for they did not simply exist in this world. But for all my giving up illusory control I was rewarded. My year found my vacillating between stubborn impotence and being enshrouded in the most precious, divine, unconditional love. I learned that the process of self love is actually a verb, and the act of moving forward, diving into one’s own stuff, is simply practice to train and grow endlessly. All the ancillary systems of relating to others, must be practiced and habituated into part of my very being. That’s a long way of saying I didn’t practice a lot of the skills and things I learned, things decayed in the knowledge to wisdom cycle, what with all the isolation and all that. This year found me opening my heart immensely, experiencing divine highs and tumultuous lows all the same.

The year began on a beautiful note. The first of the year found me starting a new job, moving from contractual $17/hr mindless judging of galleries of pictures on Bing, to a deliciously salaried 70k/year QA position with Osso VR. My job actually meant something to the world at large, and on top of that I was no longer enslaved to a timeclock for a mere pittance. I had room to breathe, to dream, and something new to fill my brain with. I fit in with all the nerds, and the work was different. It wasn’t my reason for living, but I actually had a challenge and something exciting to look forward to. This was a good start.

I began backpacking. REI became a very special place to me, and my wife and I even did our first overnight trip together. At the prompting of a coworker, I set a goal that I thought may have been impossible: I would hike part of the pacific crest trail. First, it was their story: they did it with their family years and years ago, and it was beautiful. Then, it became a maybe: what if I hiked it with my friend who loves backpacking? With a child on the way, they were out, and I was soon asking myself, “What if I did this by myself?” I went from dreaming to doing, and my empty year soon had a direction and focus. I became besties with my backpack and every weekend found me walking longer and farther, up and down some of the hardest hikes I knew. By summers end, I had completed 70 miles of the PCT in 4 days, to much amazement.

Out of nowhere, the Love Amped guru himself invited me into the mountains for a medicine ceremony. While I immediately baulked at the monetary cost, the sheer idea of doing this seemed like a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I took it. While the medicine itself left me more or less unaffected, through the experience I learned more about how I show up in the world. My car ride home turned out to be the real gift, prompting a conversation with sex positive humans that allowed me to unlock the pandora’s box of sexual shame I had been toting around my whole life, and begin a journey the likes I could have never predict.

By summer's end I had been through the ringer. A passionate spark of frenzied action ablaze inside of me, I had devoured information about polyamory, been on my first date after 10 years of marriage, and acquainted myself with the world of dating apps. I was going through life like an excited puppy, discovering boundaries by careening off the walls, my weekly moods were like a seismograph of ups and downs. The mission of obliterating sexual shame catalyzed a lovesick search for more…more passion, more feeling, more love, more sex! I celebrated sacred sexuality with the facilitation of a sensual bodyworker, feeling more whole and grounded than I ever thought possible. I ditched the dating apps and was determined to let that something I was searching for into my life, organically.

I put out exactly what I wanted, in adjective-filled explicit paragraphs, on a kinky social network. I had all but given up, given out my phone number to the only connection I had made, with silence in return. I went on with my life more or less as usual, until one fateful day I got a text: I had a date. We met for drinks; I brought slothy to our first date. Undeterred, she kissed me anyway. A strange but delicious chemistry between us, we made plans to get together ASAP for a playdate. I soon realized that my lusty hormone-driven rant into the internet had manifested exactly what I sought, and by sheer coincidence I spent my 10 year anniversary in a true celebration of consensual non-monogamy: in a hotel room on an afternoon playdate with this new lover. What had started intensely physical blossomed no doubt due to my tender heart, and we nurtured this new relationship through adventures, dates, and even an impromptu excursion to the Soul Play Festival down in California. I had more sex and shed more tears in the few months of this relationship than in the rest of year leading up to this. My heart and soul has been in constant recalibration, as I reattune from anxious attachment to secure love with myself and others. Polyamory, in a pandemic of all possibilities, has been the most unexpectedly amazing surprise.

Community was hugely transformative for me. Sure, my mastermind, mens circle, and gym were already places to be seen and grow, but after my medicine ceremony I unlocked many more avenues, many of which springing from ecstatic dance at Om culture. I leaned into partner dancing, explored acro yoga, and even left crossfit behind to try a small group yoga-centric strength program. My circles diversified, and I even have female friends for the first time in my life. My adventures took me to other states, where I met even more wonderfully welcoming humans. I continue to reinforce the message that leaving my home and my comfort zone is an awesome idea. From soul play festival, to the human awareness institute and back to PTI, I expanded my worldview with the help of others and learned how much was possible with the help of others. I had surgery the week before my birthday, so imagine my surprise when I went from moping on the coach to tears, when I get a knock at my door and im suddenly serenaded by a rockstar telegram sent by my girlfriend. You absolutely killed it, Billy Joe Armstrong lookalike who sang Don’t Stop Believin.

Flow, in many ways, kept me sane. From spinning hula hoops and poi to the mental yoga of ‘What-if’-ing, I managed to create a lot more mental and physical mobility in my life. Surprise zoom groups found me reconnecting with an old friend and making new ones, stepping into digital improv spaces and challenging my lone wolf mindset. I allowed myself to be seen in new ways, including just being the guy who spins dollar store hula hoops in the middle of my apartment parking lot. Daring to play with possibilities, I learned how simple it can be to feel delighted with just a little bit of play.

Through all this stuff, I shared my life with my partner of 10 years, in our tiny 1.5 bedroom apartment that we didn’t realize we’d be spending the apocalypse in. More curious and open than I ever gave her credit for, she has been enthusiastically supportive as I’ve come into this version of myself. Opening our marriage was a tremendous upleveling of everything: communication, conflict, joys, and resources. We supported each other through a bunch of wonderful fucking growth opportunities, and when things got hard, we continued to choose each other. Roadtrips, dates, coldplunges, hikes, an intmacy workshop, and finally moving out of our tiny pandemic apartment. Thanks to the help of an awesome coach, we learned some amazing communication skills to challenge stories and assumptions, and after a decade together, its almost like we’re seeing each other as new humans. Sexy nerdy humans.

So, as the end of the year approaches and I gaze out at my snow covered apartment complex, I have a lot of gratitude. Gratitude for who I am, this time to be alive, and for all the incredible beings that have given me high fives and gifts on this path I walk through life. What if the smallness of things were a big truth? Giving up shampoo for constant hair floof. Bringing a sloth everywhere I go. Learning to play lovesongs on a guitar. Letting go and trusting the universe, until I inevitably come kicking and screaming into the craving for human control. The beautiful cycle of healing continues.

More gifts ahead! As the wise poet T Swift once said:

I don’t know about you, but im FEELIN’ 22.’

Let’s get connected.