I was training for an ultra marathon. Was. Now I am not. Why?

Its not fun. I’ve got injuries. I’ve got judgements about myself not being a runner. I’m stressed about my body, my energy, my performance.

So I let it go.

After getting my bloodwork results back, a few things were clear. My testosterone was tanked and my thyroid was struggling. I was stressed. Fatigue was ever present and I felt poor. I opted for a rest week….starting next week. Just one more week of training.

I saddled up for a morning of deadlifts, a 1 rep day, the culmination of 8 weeks of training. The week before I had done a powerful 345 for 2 reps. Today was a PR day, right? Nope. Couldn’t get anything over 315 off the ground. Rest week started early. I got a massage, hit the sauna, and ate more liver. I was ready to beat this thing, and then get back to marathon training and hitting all the checkboxes. And then I did MDMA.

Honestly, it was alot like my breathwork experience, which speaks to the power of the body. Intense love, powerful warmth, and a sense of purpose. Everythings going to be ok. I realized that I am going back into my cycle of punishing my body for some vague sense of accomplishment. I want to love it for what it can do, but this is too much. So I withdrew my entry into the squamish 50k. Will I regret it? Maybe. I still enjoy running on trails, but I’m going to do it on my terms this year, not by the dictations of a training plan and a looming deadline.